This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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