Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
