Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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