i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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