I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
