i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
