Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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