hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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