I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!