I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
