it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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