You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
