You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
