My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
