batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
