The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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