Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
