I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How naked do you want me to be?
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