I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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