peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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