Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
sarcasm needs its own font
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.