There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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