Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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