Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
