I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
