i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
