I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
