remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
