You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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