I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
