I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
