I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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