we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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