How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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