dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
