I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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