Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
