it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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