It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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