I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just gift wrapped bread.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
