All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
