Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
