I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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