I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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