did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
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im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
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The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.