We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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