My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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