You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
