I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
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He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
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you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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