Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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