You're my little dorito
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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