just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
