Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
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I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
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Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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