The best revenge is premature balding
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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