ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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