I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
