My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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