I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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