I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
