Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
